In the early morning hours of November 3, 2011, I received a phone call I never thought I'd get. My nephew had told me his father, my big brother Gary, had just died.
From that moment on, my whole world had changed. For the first time in my life, I felt alone, unprotected and unsafe. I had never had to face one solitary day without my brother in it and it wasn't until he was actually gone that I realized just how much of a difference his own life had made in my own.
I'm probably more guilty than most in taking him for granted, for assuming too much and giving back so little. My regrets, like before, wear like a straight jacket and there are moments I feel that I will not be able to live with myself for waiting too long and being much too late for not returning Gary's kindness, safety and love to him while I still had that chance. How can I ever redeem myself in the eyes of a man who can no longer see me?
But I know my brother was beyond wise and he was as good a man who has ever walked this world and somehow, I am hoping he understood that my love and respect for him would shine brighter that any words or actions could have ever been brought to light within his lifetime. I am praying that my brother's essence might somehow become my own, if only briefly, if only long enough to say my peace someday and tell the world those very things I never took the chance to tell him myself.
There are days and moments where I wish he can hear me, where I pray that it's true he is watching us all from his deserved place in heaven and smiling down on me for my intent to finally make him proud and show him the worth only he seemed to see in me.
My brother was a remarkable man and an even more commendable little boy, but most of all, he was my savior, my protector, my insulator from all things dangerous and scary in the world. He was the one true constant thing that would give me the strength and incentive to prevail in any circumstance, the answer to all my prayers, the kind of big brother that only exists in legends and fables, in books and in dreams.
But he was real, he existed, he was so much more than words or memories allow, so much bigger than the man he presented himself to be. I often wondered if others saw him the way I did.
The answer was proven to me during the week of my brother's funeral. He was that very person to everyone who knew him. When I looked around at the faces the day we buried Gary, I saw that same look of despair, loss and uncertainty that reflected back at me that morning when I looked into a mirror. For just that while, there were hundreds of us who were kindred spirits, hundreds of us that loved and honored one man deeply, and would be walking into the world with nothing to hold us up and steady us for the first time. It truly was the end of an era, the end of the innocence for all of us, the end of the world as we knew it for those of us who thought we knew him best.
His four young sons seemed to be the only thing grounding me to this earth that week. Being at Gary's house with them, his wife, his cats made it almost seem like he was still here, still alive, would be walking through the door at any minute.
The boys and I talked for hours, telling stories about Gary. After a while, I noticed how they hung on to my words about their father as a boy and a young adult, how they seemed surprised that we were all talking about the same man. Later on, his youngest son Matt told me he needed to know his father's story, that he needed it all to make sense, needed to know who his father was before he was his dad.
I saw that week that there was so much about my brother that not many people knew, so many things that remained misunderstood, too many good things that were never recognized or acknowledged. So, to answer any questions and perhaps to save my own sanity and assuage my own guilt, these stories are for you, Matt, Cory, Scott and Jason and for anyone else who cared for Gary and wondered what was beneath the laughter. Hopefully, by the time this is done, we might all know Gary a little better and it at all possible, love him just a little more.
November 4, 2011
Orange County, Ca.
The funeral of my brother, Gary Prince
Requiem for a Righteous Prince
There is a Hebrew word - Tsadik - a word translated as the perfectly righteous. Gary's Hebrew name is Yisrael -which means Prince. Tsadik Yisrael - A Righteous Prince.
I have been fortunate enough to have been Gary's sister and lucky enough to have had him love me.
People have stood up today and talked about Gary's generosity, his frugality, his dirty jokes and emails, speaking only of his bargain hunting, his finances, his humor. I heard someone say how angry they were that Gary was taken from us. I need to address the other side of Gary and the nature of his true spirit.
When I first heard my brother was gone, I never once experienced anything remotely like anger. Instead, I felt honored. Honor and privilege were the first things I felt when I heard my brother had died. Honor and pride were the last things I recalled when he was still alive.
For me, Gary was about many things, but generosity and jokes were not among them. Strip Gary of his money, his dirty jokes and his crude presentation of them and what you had was the Gary I knew, the sweet, gentle, kind little boy who became the man with those same qualities. Without the smoke screen of humor and finance, what you had was a man of great integrity and devotion, a fiercely loyal, loving man who was pure, genuine and all things good and decent.
As a child and as a man, Gary's essence was about making those he loved safe and secure, never without guidance, never without sanctuary.
Mitch Albom wrote in his book Have a Little Faith:
" If you could pack for heaven, this is how you'd do it -
Touching everything, taking nothing.."
This is indeed what Gary did. He wanted nothing in return for his deeds, but made it his job to change everything in his world, making it a little better than before he got there. He was a master at teaching, yet his delivery was terrible and often misunderstood.
Those who knew Gary, really knew him, understood this: That beyond the crudeness and the laughter was an amazingly serious, highly principled, complex, joyous and sensitive man whose one true ambition was and always has been to right what was wrong, fix what was broken, fill what was empty and love and cherish everything around him. His passion for life, his family, his friends and his business associates was like nothing I had ever seen before. For me, knowing Gary loved me and honored me as his sister made me see the worth I often doubted.
Yes, he was an extraordinary man, but Gary taught me on a regular basis that there is true greatness in ordinary things. Ordinary things like love, loyalty, family, faith, compassion and joy.
I still can't imagine a world without my dear big brother in it, yet I know I am forever changed and bettered by him. It has been written that the only full heart is a broken one. My world is indeed a little colder now, a lot less safe and a whole lot bigger. And still, my heart is finally full.
I know I'll be living my life from here on in honoring more than just a memory, more than just a man. I will be carrying a little piece of Gary with me for the rest of my days and that, in itself, will make all the difference.
Gary, we are all so proud of you, so grateful you were here. You were loved and honored beyond your wildest dreams and you did absolutely everything you set out to do and then some. You made a difference, you mattered, you listened, you healed and you made us all believe, that in your eyes, we were blessed, validated and heard. You touched everything within your reach and you carried the burdens of those around you on your strong, steady shoulders and in your true, gentle heart. You were so many things to so many people. We adored you, we trusted you, we counted on you and what you gave us in return was the most important thing of all - knowing that somewhere out there, as dependable as the promise of sunrise through the impending darkness, there was someone who believed in us, wholeheartedly, and would never let us down.
You'll be leaving behind more than you could ever know. There is a whole family, an entire community who have lost both their anchor and their light, their reason and their grace. May we all find our way without you now with God's mercy and our precious memories of you and all you have taught us by your example. You were truly one of the good guys, saving the day one soul at a time.
You've changed my world and made it a better, sweeter, warmer place to be. I will miss you more than words can describe. Thank you for all that you were, all that you've done and the legacy you have left us with.
Good bye, my righteous prince. Good bye.
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