PART 3 - LOST JUST TO THE LEFT OF FOUND

PART 3 - LOST JUST TO THE LEFT OF FOUND

   I need  to start at the end, to the week of Gary's death, to the day of his funeral and the week following to his shiva (wake).  Something shifted in me, something changed, and it went far beyond grief and mourning.
   I flew down to southern California the morning of Gary's funeral and spent that week with Gary's family, my family, his friends.  I listened to the numerous eulogies and testaments and watched, it seemed, with eyes that were not my own.  What I witnessed was motivated by love, honor and respect, yet I was confused and troubled by much of what I heard.
   I began to realize that, although familiar, there were very few who seemed to really know the depth of substance that made up my brother.  They only saw what they saw, what Gary showed them,  what they needed him to be.
   There is a story and a history behind my brother, a reason he became the man he was, a path of his own design he followed, but his great humility and desire to protect those he loved kept most of it hidden.  Gary had no secrets and there was no deceit, but in the equation that became my brother's life, he made no allowances and held no space for things he thought selfish, painful or incidental.  The very things that would damage, destroy and lessen the average man became the very things that strengthened him and motivated him to never repeat the hurts and injustices that he had been shown.  Nothing deviated Gary from his goal to be the best that he could be, nothing crushed his spirit.
   He knew who he was as a very young boy in spite of the fact that he was lost somewhere in the family dynamic, especially in our father's eyes.  He was as righteous as a little boy as he was a man, yet as much as he tried to prove himself to his father, it made no difference.  From where I sat, as a child, he was given no consideration, no praise and no acknowledgement  for all the goodness and decency he showed.  His reward for everything he had done was disregard and indifference, and the only currency he thought would get his father's attention was finance and success.  From this came the beginning of Gary's empire.
  Even so, and as driven as he was from as long as I can remember to earn money, what seemed to give Gary the most joy as a boy was making those around him happy.  He loved to make people laugh, loved to make them feel special, gave them the attention that I know he needed himself.  His kindness grew with him and he went out of his way to please everyone he cared about.  He gave this world the very things he never got for himself, yet his motivation was pure and genuine.  I don't ever recall hearing Gary ask anyone for anything, ever, validation included.
 
    In getting back to the end, to those of us with questions, those of us who need to look beyond the man we saw, there are details and stories, moments and events that are more revealing and important than anything we can conjure up to fill in those blanks.  What I saw and felt that week that Gary disappeared forever dropped me to my knees, broke my heart and filled me with the absolute knowledge that his greatness, accomplishments and substance can not be buried with him, it can't be gone from our sights and hearts just because he is.  There is so much more of Gary around us, so many things he touched and changed that we are still rewarded with, too many things he started that have not yet come to fruition.  As far as I can tell, he is still here and always will be.  There is great comfort and peace thinking he is still protecting us and watching over us, even if only in our dreams.